When It Comes to Keeping Children Safe — If You See Something. Say Something.

I was in NYC at Penn Station, the other day, and heard “See Something, Say Something” broadcast over the loud speaker.   The message worked, and I found myself more conscious of my surroundings, looking around for any suspicious suitcases and back packs to report (there were none, but I felt I did my part).

I started to really think about those four words, and what power they have when put into action.  Remember the Times Square bombing attempt averted by an alert New Yorker who saw something not quite right, and was willing to step outside his comfort zone  and actually say something to authorities?

Imagine if that Penn State graduate assistant had said something to stop Coach Sandusky when he saw him sodomizing a 10-year old boy in the locker room shower nine years ago.  And what if the legendary Joe Paterno had done the right thing and told the police what had been reported to him, and not just another university football administrator.   Those four simple words just might have been enough to have prevented other young boys from being sexually abused.

In all of CAPS’ prevention through education programs, we encourage children, parents, and educators to “say something” if they “see something.”  We want the kids who are bystanders or witnesses to bullying, to step up and  speak out; we want them to become upstanders and safely intervene;  and tell a trusted adult if they need help.  And we would like parents to reach out to a stressed-out neighbor if they saw them or their child in a difficult situation.

We would like to remind everyone that we all have a role to play in keeping kids safe, and hope the next time you see something, you’ll do the right thing and say something to someone who is the position to actually help.   Alane Fagin, MS, Executive Director

Has Using Toxic Words Become the New Norm for Kids?

Imagine walking the halls of your office while hearing your colleagues use words such as slut, bitch, fag, or ugly. Keep in mind that they are using these words with complete ease; with an unspoken and common understanding that these words are simply a part of the language. Now imagine these words being directed at you. Could you remain focused, calm, or confident?

In my work with students through the CAPS SUSS initiative (Students United for Safe Schools), as I’ve strolled the hallways in many of our local schools, I have been struck by the constant barrage of such words.  I can see them being thrown around hitting student after student. Unlike me, students appeared desensitized to the power and meaning these words possess literally.

The distressing irony is that many of the students say these words are just a natural extension of their language, and use them freely as banal adjectives and without malicious intent or anger.   The disturbing factor is that when asked about the use of words like gay–as in ‘your shirt is so gay’– students have told me countless times that they are just used to it. These words have become infused into their general language, essentially, descriptors for whatever it is they are feeling in the moment. The words have been stripped of their true meaning.

An interesting dichotomy exists, however, in that while they express a certain numbness to the use of these words, they also express a discomfort and anxiety to the fact that the adults in their schools hear them used and rarely comment. In our dialogues, students have also spoken of their outrage. They question how these words have become so mainstream within their culture, how they have come to accept this as a fact, and how the adults in their lives appear passive to their use.

Sadly, many students roam their schools making choices based on social myth: believing that they are alone in their convictions of being angry or uncomfortable about the use of hostile language. They remain fixed in this state of disconnection as the myths are not dispelled by adults, peers or facts.

How is it that we, as adults, cannot and would not conceive functioning in an environment in which such language is not only tolerated but supported by the peer culture, and yet our children live within a deteriorating system that has allowed verbal toxicity to enter its core? Once their consciousness is raised, students realize that the use of such language not only affects their friends and peers, but it also leaves an indelible mark on them. The words linger, leaving a foul residue of disrespect on the speaker, the recipient, as well as the passerby. The time has come for us to work collectively with our kids, empower them and their peers to rise above these words and really speak their minds.  Mor Keshet, MPS, LCAT, Coordinator, CAPS Bully Prevention Center

Complacency Is Not An Option When It Comes to Bullying in Schools

Amongst adults, there is a gross misperception that youth are passive, complacent creatures that are oblivious to their surroundings.  In creating and now implementing the CAPS’ Bully Prevention Center Students United for Safe Schools (SUSS) initiative, I have witnessed youth at their best: connected, driven, passionate, and hungry for change.  SUSS has provided students from ten Long Island high schools with invigorating training on social justice, social norms and myths, and perhaps most importantly, tools on how they can institute change in their school’s culture.

When students first began to hear about the notion of school culture, they were fascinated, as they quickly came to grasp that their school was singular in its cultural norms and climate.  While common themes are certainly interwoven amongst the various schools, students began to feel an increased sense of accountability upon realizing that they and their peers essentially create the culture in which they learn and socialize.  In fostering an open and honest discourse, students began thinking analytically, reflecting on how their peer group affects their choices and ultimately, their individuality:  “When I am in a group, it is as though I lose my voice;  I lose my sense of self and I say and do things that I otherwise would never say and do.”  This insightful comment captures one of the many conflicts of adolescence; the need for peer acceptance vs. the desire to remain an individual.  Kids, like all human beings need a sense of belonging, a knowing that they too have a place in the world.  At times, this need can become all-encompassing, and their choices begin to encroach on their personal values.

The intent behind the students’ initiatives is to redefine the very norms that affect the myriad of social choices students are faced with daily, both online and offline.  By reclaiming accountability and active participation in their schools’ communities, students are finding a different voice.  One that rallies others to join the collective, to critically question and challenge what has sadly become ‘normal’ in their culture, and by doing so, forming a school culture that embraces and promotes unilateral respect, tolerance and civility.  These students are sharp; they recognize that this is not about all of their peers being friends, this is not the expectation.  What has become the expectation for these students is to no longer remain complacent when witnessing social injustice, but rather to empower themselves and their peers through engaging initiatives so that they remember who they are, even when surrounded by a group.  Mor Keshet, MPS, LCAT, Coordinator, CAPS Bully Prevention Center

The Judgment Gene

When my adult daughters describe me as a parent, in retrospect, one of their words  is this:  judgmental.

Subscribing to the theory that we live what we learn, I come by this unfortunate quality honestly. My mother (who is now 90,  frail and alone but for close family) was a robust, sociable, active woman with a flair for fashion and home design.  She worked as a nurse before she married then carried those skills into her domestic domain proudly.  She was a wonderful wife and mother. But she was judgmental… especially when she felt threatened or the need to protect her children.  For example, she would often warn me about certain friends: “I wouldn’t trust that girl”or “She’s jealous of you” or “She’s taking advantage of you.”  My dad was the opposite, as is my husband (hmmm).  But my siblings and I all seemed to inherit her “judgment gene ” to some degree.

Why and when did my mother’s habit of judging people become a part of my adult nature?  I remember being a trusting, kind and empathetic girl who thought her parents were perfect.  Was it a response to when I assumed more adult roles, relationships and responsibilities?  To self-doubt?  Or simply a delayed reaction to what I heard/observed while I was growing up?

My husband and children have called me out many times on my tendency to reject and judge people without giving them a chance.  Because of them–and seeing how my mother’s world became so small– I’ve been open and willing to change–though it is still sometimes challenging for me to bite my tongue.

Had I had an opportunity to begin this work earlier, it probably would have saved me, and those around me, a lot of angst and, frankly, icky feelings–which  is why I appreciate having a hand in developing CAPS’ programs for elementary and middle school girls (Friendship Matters and What’s Up? Girl Talk).   Young girls, in small intimate groups, get to examine their reactions and interactions and, in turn, see themselves in a whole other light;  how much of an impact their behavior and relationships with other girls can have in their lives–now and in the future.  Most importantly, they learn that they have the power to make different choices of how and what they say and do, regardless of what they see in their own homes.

This is also why, when we talk to parents of girls, we ask them to reflect on their own attitudes and behavior.  Do they welcome new people to their, and their daughter’s, group of friends?  Do they talk about the ups and downs of their friendships and relationships to their child?  Do they own up to feelings of jealousy and anger so that their daughters can do the same without translating it into judgment and criticism, or worse, of other girls? Do they know that it is not just what they say, rather it is what they do, which includes facial expressions, shrugs, looks, eye-rolling and smirks that speak to their daughters?

According to my children, I know it was my silence and facial expression that communicated volumes to them as young kids. And now, instead of saying “nothing” when they ask me what’s wrong, I try to tell them as fairly and honestly as I can, even if it means owning up to feelings unbecoming to a new and mostly improved non-judgmental mother. Verbalizing constructively about anger, jealousy, or feelings of insecurity can often soften their impact and help put them in perspective, instead of internalizing and then acting out based on those emotions.  This was another valuable lesson I learned from my children, and is a good one to share with your kids… even if you come around to teaching it late.

Debbie Brandwein, Supervisor of Education and Training

When It Comes to School Policy on Sexual Orientation and Student Suicide, Does Neutrality = Complicity?

The Justice Department together with the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights are currently investigating Minnesota’s largest school district, Anoka-Hennepin, based on allegations of harassment and discrimination related to sexual orientation.  The federal investigation follows a chain of seven student suicides in less than two years.  Parents and friends have noted that four of these students either identified as gay, were perceived to be gay, or were questioning their sexuality.  At least two of these students were persistently harassed based on their sexual orientation.

The district’s sexual orientation policy is what has led the federal government, along with the Southern Poverty Law Center and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, to investigate if students’ federal civil rights have been violated and if their safety has been jeopardized.  The contentious policy, adopted in 2009, states that staff must “remain neutral on matters regarding sexual orientation,” and that “such matters are best addressed within individual family homes, churches or community organizations.”

This raises many questions, and concerns as a teacher or guidance counselor is left to wonder ‘what does neutrality mean?’  Is neutrality silence or fairness or can it, perhaps, be a form of complicity?

We often discuss the importance of establishing a safe, welcoming, and respectful school climate.  This climate is not, and cannot be established by the students alone; it begins at the top and is modeled by teachers and staff.  The climate, whether it is a positive and embracing one, or hostile and isolating, is infused into every interaction that takes place within the school’s walls, and perhaps beyond.  When a staff member is obstructed by neutrality, can they appropriately and in a supportive manner address a situation where a student is systematically undermined and ostracized because of their perceived sexual orientation?  What can they say to that student?  What can they say to their bully(s) and to the students at large?  What kind of message can they offer when neutrality is their only choice?  Most importantly, where does this leave the school’s climate?

When speaking to parents and to kids facing bullying, one of my first recommendations is to reach out to a safe adult in the school.  For a 13-year old questioning their sexuality and being harassed by their peers, support and a true sense of acceptance are critical.  But, are there any safe adults for this student to turn to, when they know their teachers and counselors have been instructed to be neutral?  And more importantly, does this neutrality convey the devastating message of condoning and accepting the hateful barrage faced by the student?  Superintendent of the district, Dennis Carlson, has noted that “it’s a diverse community, and what we’re trying to do, what I’m trying to do as a superintendent, is walk down the middle of the road.”  Does this stance leave LGBTQ students standing alone in the road, with their safety compromised, and no one looking their way? What do you think?

Mor Keshet, MPS, LCAT, Coordinator, Bully Prevention Center

Is Teaching Tolerance in Bully Prevention Enough?

I’ve been to quite a few meetings and conferences on the topic of bullying. Usually, by the end of the day, there is at least one speaker who states that we need to move beyond tolerance to “accepting and celebrating” differences.  Sounds good right?  Almost virtuous.  I’ve even seen quotes like “tolerance is never enough” etched beautifully into benches, monuments and other select edifices.  I wonder, though, why isn’t tolerance enough? Why must one accept someone else’s beliefs, behaviors, attitudes or lifestyle? In bully prevention workshops and curricula, is it necessary to include “accepting differences”? What if the difference (in lifestyle, beliefs or attitudes) goes against a student’s own morals or conscience? Why not instead insert “recognize and respect each other’s differences”? You see, we can require that in classrooms, schools and in civil societies.  We can have rules about respecting others, and consequences when we don’t.  I’m not sure we can have rules and consequences about accepting others.  I mean what would they be?

So for my AHA moment…  l think tolerance has gotten a bad rap.  We need to go back to its definition.  The one I think best reflects it in its most purest form is the one UNESCO offers (and I paraphrase):

             Tolerance is respecting the rich diversity of our world’s cultures, our forms of expression and ways of being human.  Tolerance is harmony in difference.

The Southern Poverty Law Center writes:

            We view tolerance as a way of thinking and feeling — but most importantly, of acting — that gives us peace in our individuality, respect
for those unlike us, the wisdom to discern humane values and the courage to act upon them.

If we could get this spirit and viewpoint of tolerance infused in every bully/violence prevention curriculum, then I think teaching tolerance is enough.

Patti Cathers, LMSW, Director of Program and Volunteer Services

What Makes Girls So Cruel and Heartless

Talk about “textbook”…..when my daughter was in the seventh grade, about a minute after she proudly said how happy she was that she was in the “popular group”, her best friends began to shun, exclude, harass and humiliate her for exactly two months. Perhaps she was getting too big for her britches. Perhaps the Queen Bee was feeling threatened. Then as suddenly as it began, it ended – kind of.

There was an inherent cool about this middle child from the time she was little. A little bit hip, a little bit bohemian, and a lot funny.  She was a great camper, and probably felt most carefree during her many summers at camp, with girls from all over the country.  As she approached pre-adolescence, though, she shared with me that she was pleased that she was in the “popular” group at school (fact is, she always had been, but was never conscious of it).  After a period of time, though, I wondered if she was truly comfortable and happy with her status.  It’s pretty common knowledge that the girls in any given “C” group (“A” being the most popular group) tend to be more relaxed and happy than the girls in the “A” and “B” groups. There’s nothing they feel they need to strive for or maintain. They’re generally just having a good time with girls they feel comfortable with. Her big sister was basically a “B” girl, who just naturally evolved into an “A” girl in high school, without being self-conscious or intentional about any of it. And by then, no one was striving for any status, it was more about individuality. In any case, she was who she was, and her social status and connections evolved organically for her.

Back to my daughter’s tale of woe: During two months of surprisingly bold and nasty calls to our house (I was not immune from the wrath of these girls), humiliation, embarrassment and weepiness, she didn’t want to go to school some days, and dreaded the thought of attending social events when she felt she had no one to talk to. I cried too. My husband just shook his head. Since I wasn’t friendly with any of the parents of these girls, I knew that it was pretty much pointless to appeal to them for mercy. When I did speak to one of them, a neighbor of ours, she predictably became defensive and accused my daughter of saying mean things to hers…and that was probably not untrue. Regardless, the conversation went nowhere.

When the debacle was over, like a rainbow after a horrible storm, just in time for the celebration of her bat mitzvah, there was a sense of relief for all of us, along with a lingering wonderment about what on earth makes girls so cruel and heartless.  Though she remained somewhat friendly with many of the girls who turned their backs on her (there was one who did not betray her, and she never forgot that), her friendships which continue to this day, were forged with girls in middle and high school and beyond, who were more independent, less clique-y, more… like she was, at her core. And this is some of what our CAPS volunteers talk to girls about, and this is what I did not know how to talk to my daughter about at the time, at least not in a non-threatening way, and not early enough.

Sometimes “by example” just isn’t enough. And in retrospect, I think 5^th grade would have been the perfect time to have a discussion with her about who she was, what kind of friend she was, and what kinds of friends she wanted to spend her time with. If only the CAPS Friendship Matters program had existed. If only What’s Up? Girl Talk had existed when she was in middle school.   If only the CAPS Bully Prevention Center had been available to me during our crisis, the way it is now for parents who are stymied by the cruelty being inflicted on their daughters and sons, I would have taken notes and followed the advice of an expert, because I just needed someone to tell me what my options were. If I only knew then what I know now. That statement rings true for so much of our past, when the view is so clear from the present.  Debbie Brandwein, Supervisor of Education and Training.

A Response to Shocking School Fight Video

Okay. I admit it. After viewing the video my first responses were  somewhat predictable and pat ones:  “The target needs to understand he has a choice in how he responds and accept the consequences (and unintended ones as well). ” Violence begets violence.”  “Yes he has a right to defend himself but not go overboard.”  “The school has a right to discipline both the bully and the victim but concurrently has an obligation to understand and examine the distress the victim has endured (for probably some time) and take that into consideration when delivering consequences hopefully, logically, resulting in a lesser consequence than the bully.”

Then enters my son, who has met his fair share of bullies and studies martial arts (Jiu-Jitsu to be exact).  His perspective: the victim told the bully to stop punching him and the bully kept at it.   The victim perceived an imminent physical threat and proceeded to simply defend himself by disabling his opponent so the bully was no longer a threat.  My son felt the victim showed restraint because once the bully was disabled, the victim walked away.  Well he had a point.  The victim did not continue to pummel the kid after he brought him down.  He also felt punishing the victim, in this case, empowers bullies because bullies learn then that if the victim defends himself, the victim, too, will get in trouble.  So fair to say he made some legitimate points.

So for my AHA moment.* We need to realize that bullying is contextual and we must move beyond the bully-victim dyad to prevent bullying. Take a careful look at the video, look at the context — no adults in view, bystanders who encouraged the fight and goaded both the bully and victim, no one  going for help, etc. etc., which created a ripe climate of opportunity for the bullying to occur and to continue.   The stage was set. So let’s change the set (the context) so that opportunities, like this one, are reduced and eventually extinguished.

Patti Cathers, LMSW, CAPS Director of Program and Volunteer Services

* Please read my posts for other AHA moments

Breaking Down the Code of Silence Among Students in Schools

Inevitably we hear bully prevention experts state that we need to teach students the difference between tattling/snitching/ratting (insert whatever word you fancy) and reporting an incident of concern. I agree-yes-but defining the difference may very well be the easy part… the real question is: once kids know the difference, how do you get them to speak up?

The idea behind no snitching is not new. Think about some of the communities our children live in-communities where there is a deep mistrust between the police and the residents; where the “no snitching” mentality runs deep between community members and authority figures. In some communities there are clear messages threatening violence against those who provide information to the police about crimes. OK-not all communities send that message, but some do and we need to be aware of that. What about those doctors, politicians and others who are reluctant to report misconduct by their peers? What about the police’s well known “blue wall of silence”?  So then if many adults have difficulty reporting, why then should we expect our kids to easily report an incident of concern?  Especially when it might mean giving up their chance to be an accepted member of their group? (which, for kids, is everything)

Schools are microcosms of their respective communities and society at large.  In the end it’s all about context and creating conditions where speaking up is safe and valued. Kids will speak up if they feel it is safe to;  if they feel they will receive the support of their peers and if they feel that, once they report, something will be done.  So for my AHA moment*:  If we have whistle blower protection for adults who want to report acts of malfeasance within their company; if we have witness protection for adults who have witnessed a crime; if we have law enforcement who takes our reports seriously and takes action on the report(s), and if some of us are fortunate enough to live in communities where community members look out for one other, then why not work together to create similar standards for kids in their school communities so that they too will feel emotionally and physically safe to step up and speak out?

Patti Cathers, LMSW, CAPS Director of Program and Volunteer Services

*To better understand my “AHA” moments please read: Is Bullying Illegal? and Cyberbullying and Bullying: Are We Thinking Through The Issue?